Dear Sir has an aversion to lost and/or broken things. You hate to tell him you lost anything because he will get all depressed and pretty soon you wish you were dead or buried alive somewhere because the man can not stop talking about it, ceaselessly shaking his head, making sounds behind his sci-fi book.

The Oldest came home Saturday evening, just before dark, about to hop in the bathroom. "Where are your glasses?" Dear Sir said.

The Oldest grabbed at his neck, wide-eyed and scared out of his mind. "Uh, " he managed.

"Where did they go?" I asked.

I could tell. He lost them.

Dear Sir almost popped.

I ran over to the Oldest and lead him downstairs. "We will find them right now, let's go," I said.

We went to the house by the cul-de-sac and searched endlessly until it was too dark to see. Crap.

Let's just say Dear Sir was fit to be tied, but remained behind his book as I got a flashlight and searched the stinking driveway.

You get to the point where if someone hates lost things as much as they do, you have to cope somehow and be at peace with the lost thing because the other is upset enough about it for the both of you.

You see, in my house, it is never if momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy. It is the other way around. If I ain't happy, life commences, people still laugh and have fun, and I am alone in my wretchedness. And you see, it is totally my fault that no one is happy when Dear Sir is faced with a lost item. I immediately go into Emergency Code Red mode and don't stop until I fix a situation. You see, I am a fixer.

I gave up once I noticed that the flashlight was not beaming enough light to see under the vehicles. I got the kids in bed and I sat down to read.

After church yesterday the search began again. Dear Sir sent the boys out to find the glasses at that house where the boy lost them and they came back defeated after four hours of searching a huge lawn. My son's feet were blackened with soil and he put them on my couch, drink in hand, panting. I felt bad for him. "Wanna go to the pool?" I asked.

"I don't know. I am really wiped out," was all he could manage.

I prompted him to get those feet off the couch and get his rear end up the steps to wash them. He eventually got his shorts on and I took them all to the pool. Dear Sir worked on my band's poster for the concert this fall, and the little blurb for the site. He also read.

You know, I can't stand lost things either. I see it as a challenge so I search and search until I find it. I knew that my Oldest was never going to find those glasses because of this reason: he is male. I don't want to knock men, but they can't find anything. Just the other day:

"Where's the toothpaste! It has vanished!" yelps the Oldest. He was standing in the bathroom, tooth brush in hand.

"Where could the toothpaste have gone, Rach?" Dear Sir said from behind his book.

"Nowhere. It is sitting on the counter in the bathroom, last time I saw it."

"It couldn't be...it..."

I walked over there and there the toothpaste was right smack on the freaking COUNTER, in plain sight.

"How could I have missed that!?" yelped the Oldest, completely incredulous.

Easy, you are a male. Males see the hot dog, but never the ketchup. Males see the woman, but never the clothes. Males see the forest, but never the trees.

When in need of a search party, the people to send out should be women or girls. The first thing that should have happened was to send out the Girl and me to find those spectacles.

Last night the doorbell rang at 8:30. Dear Sir always scowls when the phone rings or the doorbell rings. He jumped from behind his book. "What the heck?!" he said.

I ran down to see what was up. The Oldest ran down too, seeing kids from his window in the dusk.

A group of mainly girls were at the door and a couple of boys. "We found your glasses," they said.

The girl in the group found the glasses, in the grass, by the volley ball net, in the yard that my boys had scaled up and down for four hours. And she found them in nothing flat because I saw her at the pool when we were there and we left before her. The girl probably saw a little light gleaming in the dark and picked them up, with her towel around her waist, knowing full well that they were the famous missing glasses.

Man, am I glad that drama is over. I have learned my lesson. Never send boys. Send girls. They find stuff.


JHagan said...

spot on true truth!! I inherited this from my Dad who always said,

"I can't find it which is not to say it's not where I looked! It's probably there. I'm just unable to find it."

Why do I still look for stuff though? the woman can save me time!!

KingJaymz said...

So, if I should ever come to visit, should I knock?

R said...

Jim--Ain't that the truth!! Ha ha!!

Jared--Naw, just ring the bell. I don't know why the blasted man is like that. If you didn't knock or even ring the bell, one of the ladies in the house would find you anyway, so no worries.

Emma Sometimes said...

Easy, you are a male. Males see the hot dog, but never the ketchup. Males see the woman, but never the clothes. Males see the forest, but never the trees.

Theocrates would be SO proud of you. Isn't this the truth with so many guys, it's about the details. You'd think that males being the more visual of the race, that they would take in more (except for doozie, she sees EVERYTHING). For guys, it's about the details.

Also you made a funny...you could write a whole separate post on the males seeing the female and not the clothes, now couldn't you...hehe.

RickCapezza said...

"Males see the woman, but never the clothes." Hilarious.

I'm not sure why it is that we can't find stuff. One time I was freaking out that I couldn't find my keys, and my mother-in-law started to feel bad, and Rachel just said, "Don't worry; he does this every day."

Right now my cell phone has been missing 4-5 days, and Rachel said she would look for it today, so...

~Jennifer said...

We call it "female infrared vision" in our house because I can find things that no one else can. The males of the species could compensate for their lack of FIV, if they would just MOVE something once in a while instead of expecting whatever they are looking for to be in plain view, but oh well.

Glad the glasses were found. :-)

Anonymous said...

Males see the woman, but never the clothes.

Okay, I'll have to give you that one. Mrs. Me always askes me what some friend I've seen had on, and I never, ever know. But I take that as a good thing - I see the person, not what she's wearing. Okay, it's a rationalization, but it's a good one, right?

shealyisnottheantichrist said...

You are good to accept that men cannot find things. I spent years believing that no one could be that dumb, and becoming angry about it. I commend you.

R said...

Emma---Doozie scares me in that way. She does notice everything.

Rick---That's funny. I lose my keys all the time too and panic. Dear Sir always rolls his eyes at me. Not like he could find them!

Jennifer---FIV---I like that. LOL!

JRH---I believe you, and you only! Ha ha!!

Shealy---I struggled with that for maybe a year and then I realized that anyone who pees standing up has this lack of "finding things."
Actually, it was until I had the Girl that I really realized how plagued the men in this world truly are. The Girl can find anything. She's that good. And I thought, this is no coincidence, this has to be a gift women have!! Maybe that is why all the women animals are the hunters and the males sit around and look nice.

Henny Penny said...


Okay, now I'm wishing I hadn't been drinking my decaf-diet Pepsi when I clicked over here!

I grit my teeth every time I hear my hubs start a sentence with "Where's my..."

Dapoppins said...

They don't even try to find things. Just start storming around throwing things...!

Dapoppins said...

P.S. You made me laugh.

Alisa said...

Sounds like my dad. And my brother. And...hmm there is a trend. You're right!

R said...

Henny Penny---My blood boils too. I know the feeling! LOL!

Dapoppins---Your Russian lady made me laugh!

Alisa---Yep, I am right.

rickcapezza said...

BTW, Rachel's friend Evie had a dream about where my cell phone was. Using this dream knowledge, Rachel found my phone in less than 15 seconds. How unfair is that?

Anonymous said...

I agree about finding things. men stink at it. Dapoppins needed your searching skills awhile back if I remember correctly

Carolanne said...

That is so true!

Today at work, MrRP couldn't find a box of very important tests. He looked high, low and every where in between and started panicking. I looked up and there they were right ahead at eye level.

Then the BMF couldn't find something but that was only right next to him. I handed it to him and told them both to start looking the same way as a girl to find things. I don't think they heard me - they seem to have selective hearing too, have you noticed?!