9/30/2006

On the Fence

You know what I hate? I hate it when I eat something bad for me I fear that I have INSTANTLY gained five pounds. I typically eat very healthy, but last night I had four pieces of pizza and an ice cream cone. Trust me, I felt fine once I ate all that. Just fine. Hours later I was feeling guilty. What the heck? Even if I gained weight I could easily lose it--by now I know what to do since it took me four years to lose my "baby" fat. I actually fear gaining weight a lot. It is part of my motivation in running---I do admit that I just love running itself---but it does help that it is the best way to burn a lot of calories!

I am always tempted to get all Scarlet Letter about it too. I feel like getting on the treadmill and paying for what I just ingested so I will resist the temptation next time. The really sick thing about it is that I look just fine, I am BELOW my "ideal" weight, and I have never looked better in my life (even when I was a teenager).

I seriously need to pull out that French Women Don't Get Fat book again to learn AGAIN how to enjoy food. It is a great source for us American women who eat standing up or stuff a brownie in our mouths as fast as we can to sort of "psyc" ourselves out into thinking we really did not ingest that many calories. We ate it too fast for that! I have never been a woman who has sat down and ate a whole candy bar in one sitting, a whole pint of ice cream, more than one cookie at a time, or anything like that. I guess I am very disciplined! But why can't I just chill out when I actually do let myself splurge?

Dear Sir shakes his head at me and asks me why I can't just enjoy the food God provided and let it go. And it is not like he is all crazy about my being thin and perfect or anything. In fact, thirty pounds ago he was fine with me. I never heard one complaint ever. There is no change in the way he views me, behaves toward me, or thinks of me. It is all my freakish self. I put my scale in the shed, for goodness sake so I would stop weighing myself every day. Trust me, since doing that I feel much better than I did before! I guess it doesn't help when I was raised with an anorexic mother who weighed herself about as often as a Muslim prays toward Mecca and took correctol regularly. My idea of personal beauty is totally tweaked. I know the right stuff, but I have issues. It is a war I fight daily, to be honest. One of the reasons I put the scale in the shed is so my daughter would not catch me weighing myself like I always caught my mother. Kids remember that stuff.

Man, I totally did not mean to get all deep and personal on you, sorry about that. I know we American women suffer from this stupid way of thinking all the time. I am a little extreme--I believe if I let myself go in sin I would have an eating disorder. I almost love food too much for that, but sometimes I straddle that fence. It is good I have Dear Sir to come over and drag me off of it. I am so BLESSED to have him. Thank you God.

3 comments:

Emily said...

Rachel you are one intense little cookie.

I'm with your dh.
Enjoy food.
You're fine.

Badoozie said...

well, you might not have an eating disorder but girl you think like one who does........i don't have one but i know someone who does.

R said...

Susie,
Yes, I do think like a person with an eating disorder. The difference between me and someone who has one is that I realize that I could have one so I stop it before it gets bad. I understand the people that have them because sometimes it is not because they up and have one one day.
Em,
I do enjoy food too much to deprive myself!! :) I am too intense, you are correct!

I love how you called me a "cookie".

Too funny. LOL.