My "Disorder"

I chew my cheeks. It is a nervous habit, my doctor says. Pre-cancerous, probably but no one has seen it. I went on a live chat a number of years ago talking with other people like me. Well, they pulled out their hair all the time, strand by strand and got some weird pleasurable feeling every time. I thought it was exactly as it sounded--weird. They told me I was like them and had a disorder. A chewing cheeks disorder. I am sure there must be a fancy name, but I don't know it.

But then I am weird. I chew my cheeks. I probably should not get into detail, but I would probably be considered a cannibal. Wilhelm, when he is really tired of this habit, calls me a cannibal. At least he used to. I think he has given up these long eight years. Now he just hits my hand when I do it.

I used to use this habit to my advantage in high school. I have told one person about this recently, but that was only when I found that she was "one of us" and so I knew she would understand. I would bite hard on a cheek, draw blood, and suck out as much as I could. Finally, I would approach a friend or someone and open my mouth. I could draw out a lot of blood, seriously. I scared the living day lights out of them. Now that I think on that, it was probably not a good idea. I would see the fright in their faces and they would run. Then, coming to their senses (if they were a friend) they would approach me again and ask if I needed medical attention. They probably tell stories to this day about their freak friend who blasted out blood from her mouth and scared people.

Speaking of blood, I almost cut my thumb off last night cutting a sandwich for Wilhelm's lunch (yes, I make his lunch with much relish) with a very large knife and instead got a nice slice on my thumb. Now I have a Hello Kitty band-aid on it.

Wilhelm has about had enough of me in this area. I am always burning and cutting myself (unintended----unlike the biting myself in my cheeks) and he almost loses sympathy after awhile. I remember when we were dating he started a fire in this barrel in my backyard and started burning all the dried weeds that accumulated because no one in my house did the yard ( I just cleaned the house, mind you, and have never mowed a lawn in my life although since, Wilhelm has taught me to mow in case of sudden death) and the barrel got so hot he accidentally burned his arm on it. He would pull his arm out from time to time after that and say, "AHHH!!!" just for remembrance sake, and we would both laugh and chuckle every time. Not so when I slice myself. He rolls his eyes and says, "what am I going to do with you? I will have to ban you from all knives and hot objects!"

Maybe I should pull out the blood trick and scare him out of his wits. He does keep telling me to read the book, She ("who must be obeyed"). But then again, weighing my options here, that is really a bad idea. He would faint, he might hit his head on the way down, crack it open, and then I would be stuck mowing the lawn.