Ever since Dear Sir and I brought the plants in the house we have this huge infestation of gnats. They are strangely attracted to our bathrooms and the Girl's room. Before putting the Girl to bed I am caught smacking gnats between my hands, pounding walls, pelting mirrors, just to kill those things. And they keep multiplying. Last night I was doing just that when putting the Girl down. "Can't I just go to bed?" she said softly as I clapped into the air. She was all tucked in.
Of course you know that my Oldest is afraid of flying things, but he has grown somewhat accustomed to the whole gnat scenario. They fly around his head constantly---hey, they fly around my head constantly, and so you just look dumb batting at the air to get them away. He was getting a snack out of the cabinet last night and I walked by. You know when you walk by someone you get a catch of their smell? I almost fell over. I walked back. I smelled my son's pits.
"Deodorant?!" I hollered.
"You stink like nothing else I have ever smelled before!"
"This is beyond just mere stinking. Get up there RIGHT NOW and take a shower."
"What?! I can't take a shower right now! It is almost dinner time! I don't take showers this time of day!"
"You do now. Get up there right this instant. And don't forget the deodorant. This is a natural consequence. You forget the deodorant, you take a shower before dinner and remember to put it on this time. You won't forget now, will you?"
He dragged himself upstairs. He came down all splotchy like he cried the whole time he was in there. And I am certain it was not because I told him he stinks, but because he did not want to take a flipping shower.
As we ate dinner a gnat kept circling us.
"There's a gnat!" yelped the Oldest.
"Yeah, it's right there!" called the Girl.
"Eat," I said.
"I think it just died by my plate," the Oldest said.
"Yeah, it probably took a whiff of your pits," I mumbled.
"You really think so?" the Oldest asked, "This has happened before?"
Yes, he's completely serious.
I rolled my eyes and stabbed at my fish.