The Plague of Gnats

Ever since Dear Sir and I brought the plants in the house we have this huge infestation of gnats. They are strangely attracted to our bathrooms and the Girl's room. Before putting the Girl to bed I am caught smacking gnats between my hands, pounding walls, pelting mirrors, just to kill those things. And they keep multiplying. Last night I was doing just that when putting the Girl down. "Can't I just go to bed?" she said softly as I clapped into the air. She was all tucked in.

Of course you know that my Oldest is afraid of flying things, but he has grown somewhat accustomed to the whole gnat scenario. They fly around his head constantly---hey, they fly around my head constantly, and so you just look dumb batting at the air to get them away. He was getting a snack out of the cabinet last night and I walked by. You know when you walk by someone you get a catch of their smell? I almost fell over. I walked back. I smelled my son's pits.
"Deodorant?!" I hollered.
"I forgot."
"You stink like nothing else I have ever smelled before!"
"I forgot."
"This is beyond just mere stinking. Get up there RIGHT NOW and take a shower."
"What?! I can't take a shower right now! It is almost dinner time! I don't take showers this time of day!"
"You do now. Get up there right this instant. And don't forget the deodorant. This is a natural consequence. You forget the deodorant, you take a shower before dinner and remember to put it on this time. You won't forget now, will you?"
He dragged himself upstairs. He came down all splotchy like he cried the whole time he was in there. And I am certain it was not because I told him he stinks, but because he did not want to take a flipping shower.

As we ate dinner a gnat kept circling us.
"There's a gnat!" yelped the Oldest.
"Yeah, it's right there!" called the Girl.
"Eat," I said.
"I think it just died by my plate," the Oldest said.
"Yeah, it probably took a whiff of your pits," I mumbled.
"You really think so?" the Oldest asked, "This has happened before?"
Yes, he's completely serious.
I rolled my eyes and stabbed at my fish.
"Just eat."


Jennifer said...

Pigpen. That's what you may have to start calling your oldest. The combination of the gnats and the stink leaves no other logical choice. ;-)

(I have a couple of kids who hate showers too, and ugh, the stink. I hope they outgrow that.)

Anonymous said...

My 17 yo boy is not a shower fan as well. He will take one a day, because it is required. He puts on deodorant once a day because it is required (and he says he does not want to stink any more)but it never occurs to him to reapply no matter the temperature or activity level of the day. UGH!

He is much better than a couple of years ago. He went a whole week without showering (even though he was repeatedly asked and said he had). I do not get this.

His testosterone levels must be high right now, no matter how many showers he takes, his room always smells and it is clean. He started puberty later and I think he is at high levels of whatever, right now.

Anonymous said...

boys are just smelly and that's all there is to it. my son does not like taking showers either. I wonder to myself how long he would actually go if I did not force him...but no child of mine will ever be grossing anyone out with pit or crack odor....nevereverererewrakserasfhasf

R said...

Jennifer---I should have thought of that! The Oldest loves Peanuts!

Pam---I am so glad I am not the only one. The thing I keep thinking of is Dennis the Menace. He hated baths. B.O. smells like rank onions to me, so whenever I smell it at first I get perplexed, then I realize, "oh yes, it is B.O." Now, on my kid, bad. I know!!!! The room? ICK!!! How does it get like that?! Total funk in there! We both need to buy Febreeze or something akin to it in bulk!!!

Susie---only you!!! LOL!!! I sniff things to make sure they are clean or not, and in my sniffing frenzy I have been known to accidentally sniff underwear and oh!! Bad mistake. Crack odor. Knock me over. The stench is alarming.

Anonymous said...


At this stage, girls are equally as stinky. Rosie doesn't like taking a shower either, but I got her a bottle of perfume she can use only if she takes one. She LOVES the perfume!

I have also accidentally buried my nose in underwear on wash day. I survived. Barely. EW.

Anne said...

My daughter has a flying bug issue as well. She about lost it at our field trip last week because we ate lunch outside and one of those striped bees showed up hovering all over our food. She started shaking all over and her claws came out as she climbed up my body to get away.

Avery Gray said...

I have a 20-yr-old stepson who used to live with us. He was always really good about showering, but his room was rank! I am not looking forward to that stage with Ethan. Ugh!