Don't Skim This, It Is My Masterpiece

I am joking. But truly, don't skim. You must be forced to live a few minutes in my shoes:
I sort of slaved yesterday. I try to keep silent now when my food is not eaten. Well, Dear Sir is trying really hard to be good about eating things he does not want to. I made some chicken with citrus marinade on the grill, but it did not go over well. Everyone sort of picked at it. To keep with the citrus theme, I made a lemon meringue pie. I have not had that in some umpteen years, so I was excited about it. When I tasted it, it was perfection.

The kids: "Uh, I'm full."
"Too tangy."
"I can't finish it."
"Use less lime next time." Lime?

Dear Sir: There is no quote. I know that he knows I watch him in my sneaky way as I wash the dishes. He slowly ate it, like he was trying his hardest to enjoy it. Like that strawberry pie he was trying to politely eat at someone's house when we were first married. His mouth shook a little as he strained to get his lips around the seedy fruit. The look in his eyes as an offensive food is on his tongue is hard to misplace. You know what it looks like? A person holding their breath....

But then I was shocked when he brought the plate to me empty. What gives? Dear Sir, what gives? "Thank you, that was good."

I never know what that means. What does that mean?

I will most likely never know. Some things we can't be so open about, you know? Like weight. He refuses to tell me his weight. "You're obsessed, Rach. I am not telling you."

All this work: "light" lemon meringue pies, crappy citrus grilled chicken, fluffy biscuits in low calorie form, reduced calorie takes on brownies and cookies, marinated flank steaks, crispy chicken tacos---you name it, I have been making the light version of everything. Even blasted fried chicken for the benefit of this man who would like to lose a couple of pounds (even though I think he is perfect) and what do I get?

You're obsessed.

Well I guess I could certainly help the dude gain some pounds, now couldn't I? He wouldn't know anyway if I put extra amounts of fat in any given thing just for the heck of it. Oh, this recipe could use some more Crisco. I think I will put a whole stick of butter in his popcorn! Hey, how about two!? I could deep fry every meal and tell him it is the healthy version. Pretty soon his one chin would be eleven.

Yesterday I couldn't stand it anymore. "Please tell me your weight," I said, "I have been working so hard, getting up to make your lunch, making you breakfast so you won't eat the Butterfingers instead, cooking all these meals for dinner, going through recipes...."

You know what the gentleman said?
"Guilt trip."
Guilt trip.
So I settled with: "Well, then. Is all my work working?"
He nodded his head in a nonchalant, comce-comca sort of way, shot me a few squinted eyes and said, "Sure."
"How much?"
"So how much further do you have to go?"
"Ah, you know..." He put his hand out wiggled it around like I knew what that meant.
"Do you have a lot to go?"
"Just some."
Blue blistering barnacles in a thundering typhoon, the man gets to me!!!! I turned around and made his pathetic lunch.


Emma Sometimes said...

My yahoo account was cracked into. It's disabled now but just a heads up, don't open mail from me from the last two days.

R said...

K, thanks.

Dapoppins said...

I read the whole thing. Now, can I have some pie?


I don't understand why he won't tell you his weight. That is strange. You need to trick him onto a scale or something.

Jennifer said...


I had a flashback of the Malcom in the Middle episode where Hal is trying to make Lois fat, so he's putting sugar and gunk in all her food. I can't remember why he was doing that. Still funny.

mabcat said...

Okay. So I was with DavidnJade tonight, and I was making them laugh so hard they were crying by RECITING stories from your blog to them, especially including the last two entries. Now if only they would read it on their own. !!

Carolanne said...

Don't work so hard! LOL

I'll come over for lemon meringue pie! :) Please.

R said...

Dapop---There's a whole half a pie left in the fridge---have at it.

Oh, and the man won't tell me his weight because he is stubborn.

Jennifer---That's pretty much how I feel! LOL!

Mabcat---Thanks for even reciting them to those dear friends of mine! How did you do that? You have talent! :)

Carolanne---I've been so lazy about it of late that I feel that I have to work hard. I used to make such fine food....it has come to this.

Anonymous said...

Yup. All men are just alike. God just gave them different faces so that women could tell them apart. LOL

R said...

Lisa---Glad to see you back! I have been thinking about you!!!

mabcat said...

Well, you see, Rachel...it's just that, I start talking about something you said, and their eyes light up. They're like, what did she do?
And then i say, she had to make Joel "light" foods. Or I say, she had to take a mummy to the bathroom, manually....
And then they crack up, and then they interview me about it until I have basically recited the entire blog!!

R said...

Mabcat--that's funny. Glad they get updates from someone. Gee whiz, I think I will try calling J in a month or so. When I talked to her last month or the month before, I told her I would call her in a couple of months. Ha ha. They need to see the picture of Eraser Eater in masking tape!

Avery Gray said...


RickCapezza said...

You sound obsessed.

R said...

Oh get off it, Capezza. Don't fuel the dude's fire.


Anonymous said...

I'm going to have to say that chicken sounds nasty. You should probably not make it. You might want to get in touch with your inner marie callendars