Ok, so I am having fun with this photo booth thing and I am having a better day. I was cracking myself up doing it. I have just finished the batch of Cappuccino Soap, so I can't wait to slice it up once it cools. School was relatively simple and straight forward, and tonight I am to go to a homeschool mom meeting. I have no idea what I am getting into, so I hope I am not scared off. Homeschooling mothers continue to intimidate me (even though I am one of them).

So, since I am feeling about a fourth of the way chipper, I will write something sort of chipper. I will not, however, write a cheer:

I am happy when I find stuff like allergy pills.

I am happy when I eat chocolate.

I am happy when I work really hard and then get to relax.

I am happy when Dear Sir asks me to make him popcorn. (Don't tell him I said that!)

Ok, I have to quit this. It is making me a little queasy.

The fact is, no one is happy or content unless things are going their way. At least if I am honest with myself that is what the deal is. No, Eraser Eater, you may not have a melt-down, it will ruin MY day. You get what I mean. I am trying to digest the fact that the only way I will please God is if I live my life like I want to please Him and not myself. It is such a contrary idea or condition from what I am prone to do. Have you ever tried to walk in the opposite direction of oncoming strong wind? That is what it feels like every day. It is a striving that takes strength. I am talking about myself, yes, but I am also talking about every person who is a Christian. It's like I try to tell my Oldest almost every single school day before we start (and believe me, it gets old): You can't get out of it, this is the way it is, so get used to it and enjoy it while you are at it. It is hard to think about enjoying "striving". Or rather, "enduring". Life should not necessarily be difficult from the outside, but it is more of a war inside that makes it the hardest. At least that is what I think. A fight against self.

This reminds me somehow (don't ask me to explain this) of a story C.S. Lewis told about when he was in the war. He and his comrade were down and talking bad about it in the trenches and another soldier was so "in the clouds" about the state of the war and he was exceedingly optimistic to a fault. Lewis could not believe that people could actually be so silly until the very bitter end as death faces them. Lewis was saying that there is a line drawn between pessimism and realism. I think this is true. Why must we lie to ourselves so we feel better when reality is staring us in the face? More optimistic people would say a realistic person is pessimistic.

So---realistically, I am only happy when I get my way.

And---I am not getting my way today but I will be happy anyway. So there. True happiness is finding that I am not in control. I would really mess things up if I were. Thank goodness for that.


Alicat said...

I am a born again Christian (does that scare you? lol -- some people are) and I feel like I know what you are going through.

In a lot of my current experiences, I have been hounded by a few very persistent and honest to goodness OBSESSED internet stalkers that take a lot of time out of their day to leave me hateful comments and emails. At first, it really ate at me. I was so fuggin angry at them and I finally realized that letting them get me down was not the answer. Now, I do my best to ignore it.

Anyways, thats a long winded way to say that I lean towards being pessimistic too when things aren't going peachy. And it takes some hard core dedication to yourself and to God to be positive in situations like that. :)

Alicat said...

PS -- You are so stinking pretty!!! :)

Emma Sometimes Is A PhD said...

cool another pic for my blogger stalker shrine! I'll put you next to Susie's since I know you both get along.

Homeschool mom meeting? I'd love to hear how that goes.

Coffee + soap. Two of my favorite things. Hmmmmm.

And your rhetorical question that I had to answer:

Why must we lie to ourselves so we feel better when reality is staring us in the face?

I must quote one of my favorite movie lines from Princess Bride, "Chocolate coating makes it go down easier."

I know I use humor a great deal to hide but I have had a lot of pain along my road in life. I'd say it's a mask but more truthfully, it's like an ointment.

So basically, we lie to ourselves because humor is greasy.

R said...

Alicat---thank you for posting that.

Emma--I will keep you posted about the mom meeting! I can possibly send you a bar if you think I am not a freak.
Let me know.

I like your answer to my rhetorical question.

humor is greasy. Good way of putting it. Oil is a major component in making soap. Lye is caustic. What do you get when you combine caustic and greasy groviness? Cleansing soapiness. I am in a weird mood.

Emily said...

I'm more and more convinced that its not about happy at all.

Though I do believe that happy can happen.

R said...

Yep, you are so right.

Anonymous said...

Is that kind of like... It's okay if your head is in the clouds as long as your feet are still on the ground? *Scratching head*

Putting God first when it is our natural human instinct to put self first is an endeavor, indeed. *Hugs*