I Used Bug Spray

So I just went into the crawl space. I put on my hoodie with sweats and socks and shoes, carrying bug spray. I anointed every cobweb in my path. I got to the first water knob in good time, but realized that it was really dark on the way corner of the house where I had to turn the other knob. I forgot the stupid flashlight. 

I went back in the house and got it. The kids thought I was done and were thankful that I made it alive. I told them that I still had to go down there AGAIN. Gee whiz, if one time wasn't enough! So I turned the flash light on, doused the cobweb beside me with more spray, and entered. I had to duck down once I got to the middle of the house, almost to my knees, but it was ok. No snakes. No little critters like mice or rats or anything. That stupid sink was still setting there like it was last year. I finally made it to the far beam in the corner but found a huge web with all manner of plump eggs dangling from it. I sprayed that sucker down and killed the mother spider. Spray got in my face a bit. I coughed. I got a little heavy on the spray, I think.

Finally once that was looking good, I inched my way in a squatting fashion to the way corner of the house past the final beam I was talking about. I found the mother of all spiders, Shelob herself. I whipped out my spray of Elendil. This spider was about as big as my hand, it was so huge. Just crawling up the wall like it ain't no thang. When I saw it was affected by the poison, I went forward and whispered, "righty, tighty" and turned the water off. I sprayed all the eggs I could find in my path. 

And I am alive.


The Doozie said...

Oh you crack me up. You must have really small hands? And that sink...that stupid sink, it has a lot of nerve still being there. You'd have thought it would have got itself the heck out of that Nazi Spider Lair

R said...

I do have small hands. Small mealy, ugly, old looking hands. But they work, so I won't complain.

That sink surprised me. I was shocked it was still there, actually.

Nazi spider lair....LOL

Jen - Queen of Poo said...

You're like Xena the Warrior Princess!

Laura said...

Ha! When I voted I said "other" - bring bug spray.

A spider as big as your hand. Say it isn't so Rachel. That is simply harrible. I cannot believe you did it. I am in so much stinkin awe of you. I would have hit my head against the roof of the crawlspace and probably knocked myself out and then the ghastly Shelob would have eaten me. I would have died.

p.s. i love how you "anointed" the webs. so funny.

Muley said...

I hear Harrison Ford is looking for a daring female co-star for the next Indiana Jones sequel. I think you landed the part.

R said...

Wow, thanks you guys! The spring isn't looking so daunting with that whirlwind of encouragement!

Mrs. Sinta said...


Maybe next year, you might consider a bug bomb.

Uncle Joe said...

you continue to crack me up

you whispered 'right, tighty'.

that's real comedy.

Bee Repartee said...

righty tighty! lefty loosey!

Shelob...ewww. I'm shuddering just thinking about it..

I'm going to start calling you Orkin Woman.

thislittlepiggy said...

And I am creeped out. Shudder.