30 Things I'd Say If Given the Chance

The Professor is not home. He hasn't been home since Thursday morning (4 a.m.) when I took him to the DC airport. We are never usually apart. And he is never usually the one leaving. The last time I talked to him was Thursday afternoon when he arrived. 

He has not called me or talked to me for two whole days. Actually, it has been longer. 53 hours. 

But I am glad he is having fun and all, I just wanted to tell him that:

1. I had a nervous breakdown last night when I saw how messy the boys' room was.

2. I threw a fit.

3. I had another nervous breakdown when I saw how messy the Girl's room was.

4. I threw a fit.

5. I threw away half of her toys.

6. I am not joking about #5. I really did it.

7. I was up until midnight last night having a nervous breakdown and throwing away toys and bits of paper, beads, unneeded bags, broken plastic things, ripped cards, boxes, trinkets, stuffed animals, puzzle pieces, boxes, broken crayons, naked barbies, McDonald's toys, rusty pennies, crusty whatnots, strings, dishes, dolphin harnessed chariots, and other various bits of rubbish that ruined my life and caused me to become unglued. 

8. I went to a couple vineyards with my friends today.

9. I had a great time.

10. I bought wine.

11. I saw a woman feeding a muffin to a horse.

12. When driving home I almost ran out of gas. 

13. I had to pump gas at a really weird backwoods gas station and it was dark and I was scared and they didn't have a card swiper thingy so I had to go IN the stupid station and tell them I wanted a couple gallons of gas but the lady kept asking me how much I wanted to pay and I kept telling her I just wanted two gallons so I could get home and she kept suggesting prices and I didn't get it because I guess I'm dumb and I barely ever pump gas and so I just gave her ten bucks and she looked relieved to be rid of me and then I pumped the gas and it stopped when the dollar amount hit ten and I thought that a very novel invention and then I got in the car and drove home. 

14. I ate really good peanut butter and chocolate frozen custard on my way out of town for dinner. 

15. It was really cold in the house this morning because I don't know how to turn on the heat and am not sure if I should or not even if I could turn it on. 

16. I watered the plants.

17. I'm glad you are having fun.

18. I wish I was there.

19. I am feeling selfish because I wish I was there A LOT. 

20. I'm jealous a bit.

21. But I am happy for you.

22. The kids miss you and wonder why you haven't called.

23. John McCain winked at me.

24. Everyone wants to be my friend. 

25. I have so many friends over here right now eating pizza and drinking wine with me, I can't believe it. In fact, it is getting a bit loud in here so I can't think too properly because I am busy with them and frankly, I just can't keep writing on here. 

26. Just joking. I am actually alone with nothing to do. And I'm writing on my stupid blog and there's probably nothing on tv and the kids are in bed. 

27. But even though you are a total blackguard for not calling me or probably not even thinking about me, I will let it slide this one time because I know you are having fun. And it ain't about me.

28. But it is a little.

29. I love you and I had a good day, did you?

30. Good night.


HogHead said...

Hand in there..... he will be back sooooonnnnn. Listen to a little J. J. Grey and the Mofro. It sounds a little like your wonderful music. I'm a close friend of Batman, take care. Hoghead.

The Doozie said...

Well, you can rest assured because since you haven't heard from him in so long he might NOT be having fun. He might instead be having explosive diarrhea, nausea, vomiting and festering boils about the buttox region. Perhaps he ate some foreign food he was not used to. Or worse yet, whoever he is there with poisoned him. Or worse even YET, they conspired against him because they are dirty liberal conspirators, and they attempted to sabotage him in whatever it is he is doing which I have no idea.

On another note, I laughed very hard at this post. The reason I laughed very hard at this post is because you are very funny and what’s even funnier is I don't think you mean to be?

Jen - Queen of Poo said...

Oh, I've had plenty of breakdowns over messy rooms. Now I'm just numb to it. :-P

The vineyard trip sounds wonderful. I'd love to do something like that. Fall is just the best time of year.

Leave it to Doozie to find the silver lining in any situation. Yes, you could always hope he has explosive diarrhea.

I laughed at this post too!

R said...

Hoghead---Thanks. I will give those a listen. I am glad you enjoyed my music! Batman is awesome, isn't he?

Doozie---It MUST be some sort of spastic colon nonsense. Otherwise, how could he forsake so wonderful a wife? I don't get it. We are all shriveling up over here like a dead spider in a corner.

You made me laugh too.

Jen---with all due respect, thankfully, by the time I am your age, I won't have to deal with the messes at all because the kids will be outta here! (for the most part)

I wish we could go to the vineyard together. You would be an awesome buddy. All of my blogger buds would be. We would have a blast!!!

Mrs. Sinta said...


My children would string me up and then dip me in hot oil and shoot me if I threw their stuff away. That is simply a warm up for the horrors that would follow. You have nicer children than me.

For what it's worth, I was just telling Mr. Sinta on the way home from church that I wish that YOU WERE HERE TOO!

R said...

Yeah, that would be nice.

My kids ARE nice kids, I must admit. So are yours though.

Tell the Man I said hello. Tell him I went in the crawl space too and met Shelob herself.

Alisa said...

You are so adorable!

It's kind of funny to call someone older than me adorable, but there you have it.

R said...

I'm really sad. I am a thirty year old sad person. But thanks.

Leslee said...

Love the list!