I Fix Stuff.

A day always comes with work of its own. I am seriously thinking about how to discard of Tolstoy, the fish. We have him in a 2.5 gallon tank and he is getting bigger and bigger and I really don't want to buy another tank. He is the invincible fish. Last summer they were dropping like flies and now this time Tolstoy comes along and lives forever. It's not that I want him to die. I just hate cleaning his disgusting tank. It is a see-through rectangle of rankness.

So I had "Clean the Tank" on the fridge for a week or so and the tank was getting cloudy. Real cloudy. Tolstoy's eyes were getting a little woosey and I could tell he wasn't happy in there. But he was otherwise healthy. I decided as I was waiting for my chicken to grill on low I would clean the tank. It is just a little tank. And the filter didn't work at all, so it would get down right nasty in there. I carried the stupid thing to the sink and did the job. The amount of gelatinous substance that smelled like a sea demon straight from the depths of a watery hell was a bit staggering. I actually pulled the filter out and unscrewed it to see if it was clogged. I hadn't done that before. And it showed, baby, cause black stinky jello plopped out and wobbled down the drain. It is the kind of stuff that would seep out of an ork if you had a mind to slit him open in the stomach. Vile, stinky, stuff.

I looked at Tolstoy in the bucket. I wished I could flush him down the toilet or dangle him before one of the tomcats outside, but I refrained. How would I explain that to the kids? Now I know what it feels like to be a farmer who thinks an animal is too much work and he goes out in the field to shoot it in the head. Tolstoy is pretty much just a parasite now living in a transparent box in my kitchen.

Over dinner I talked to Dear Sir about terminating him. He suggested that we take him to the lake down the street (we actually have a lake in our subdivision, believe it or not) and drop him in. But of course, I don't know if it is healthy. Dang, he is so hardy that I bet he would swim to shore, walk back home and knock on the door and demand that I clean his gelatinous mess until he dies naturally. Please no.

I'll tell you what though, the filter works now like a charm and I suppose that is what got the tank so dang cloudy and nasty in the first place. I need to unscrew the dealy from time to time to get the blubbery sickness outta there so it won't clog.

I guess I'll keep him.

But then I changed my mind again last night because I think one of the tank pebbles fell in the garbage disposer and when I ran it maybe it jostled something loose, I don't know. So when I opened up the cabinet underneath the sink to dig through the trash (another story for tomorrow---and we did not lose the allergy pills this time) I found a nasty, gelatinous puddle. Oh for Pete's sake, I cried. It reeked too, of course, and I had to pull out all sorts of stuff I store down there to see the problem.

I thought of calling the plumber, but then I thought, I can do this. Apparently the screws to put pressure on the gasket right underneath the bowl of the sink were either lose or gone. How that passed inspection last year, I have no clue, but it seems lots of things did. I tightened the two I could since they were there, but the third has vanished and I suppose I need to go to Lowe's once again to make a fool of myself and ask for some part I don't know the name of. It is some special screw, not a normal one. A bolt. But a special bolt, ok?

So I took some towels and wiped up the large puddle of fishy nastiness and now everything from under the sink is out and in the kitchen. Dear Sir turned around from his time on the computer and said, "You're fixing everything around here!" with a smile.

I have to say that I have never encountered a gasket before in my life. I have always heard the word gasket and never knew what it was until the piano tuner came on Wednesday and opened the pupper up and found a gasket. He chuckled, handed it to me still in its wrapping and said, "in all my years tuning pianos, that is a first. Need a gasket?"


The Woman said...

Gagging and laughing!

Lyssa said...

You're very descriptively accurate about fish goo smelling and looking like the inside of an ork. I praise your wordage : )

Carolanne said...

I'm glad I wasn't eating while I read that!

Very descriptive and I doubt I would have bothered... Did you gag or not? I would have.

Hey, we have a Lowe's here, too.

Ba Doozie said...

I feel the same way about our fish. And like you the last time I cleaned the tank a rock got down in the disposal and now it doesnt work, but I can't fix it. THis is a rental. But I'm afraid they are going to charge me for it when they discover the problem

R said...

The Woman---LOL!

Lyssa--Thanks, I tried.

Carolanne--I am glad you weren't eating too, because I would have retched.

Surprisingly enough, I did not gag. Lately I have dealt with such rank that I am sort of getting used to it. I just moved right along directly after making a contorted facial expression (I am sure).

Lowe's is awesome!

Dooz--I am sorry. That stinks. I actually fixed the disposer, which is a dream; what the heck am I doing? I am like Bob Vila or something!

They would nail you on wear and tear. The last place we rented at (we own our home now) the landlady kept our deposit because they let their shower leak and rot and so when we left they claimed we did not inform them that it was rotting (duh! the floor was practically black in front of the shower before we moved in) so the law is that we pay. They even demanded that we pay an extra amount but we never did, just let the hefty deposit slip into their hands because the fight would have been almost too much and at the time we did not have the fight in us even though we were hands down, totally right. I felt robbed and told her that too. The woman pretty much pilfered my hard earned money. Makes me sick. I am getting mad now....

shealyisnottheantichrist said...

Aren't all fish in tanks basically parasites? If not, what would you like for the fish to accomplish ideally?

KingJaymz said...

Take out one of those screws and take it with you to Lowes. That way you have something to show them.

Hope all is well. Too much to put now. We'll have to catch up soon.

Emma Sometimes said...

Green Cathedral The Tool Woman Taylor.

Hey, it rhymes.

I am so mean. I say no to any and all pets. I already have four kids, why add to my work load?

R said...

Shealy--I think you are right. I have thought of that myself too. What really, is the end goal in having a fish. That's it..that yellow scaly skinned swimming thing is toast...

Jared--I did take the screw to Lowes. That is another story to blog about perhaps tomorrow.

Emma--Yep, it rhymes perfectly. How did you do it?

You are smart about saying no to pets. We got Hemmingway with the house (the first fish), he got half eaten by Sushi( the second fish we stupidly added in with Hemmingway), and then I killed Sushi and then flushed a dead Hemmingway down the pot, and now I am wishing I never went and got that consolation fish, Tolstoy. Argh.

trespassers william said...

hmm...how old are the children? old enough to clen the fish tank? hey if they want the pet, they can take care of the pet...yes?

R said...

TrespassersW---The children are 11, 8 and almost 6. I bet I should teach them to clean the tank, but to me, a tank is a very "adult" job; especially when dealing with emptying out water, making sure the pebbles don't get in the disposer, and things like that. I think that if I DIDN'T do it and say, my eleven year old did, I would have more things I would have to fix.

Now, if we had a dog and it were a matter of washing it outside or picking up its dung or something like that, the kids could handle it. Too much gear and goop with a fish...