Attack of the Mute

Once a dear friend told me that I ought to keep a pair of old sneakers in the trunk of the car cause you never know when you gotta run. One day the thought frightened me so badly that I decided that I had enough left over running shoes that I would put a pair in every trunk. You just never know, right?

I complain a lot. I have a screaming headache. Not only is it laborious to talk, I have this aching behind my eyes that will not dissipate.

I just got back from the library with the kids, hence the headache. It is hard enough to get them all rounded up when I do have a voice. Think of if you have hardly a voice and you have to go all Joan Rivers on them. A sick Joan Rivers. I find that my facial expressions have more meaning now, my pleading more involved because my voice can not keep up. Me, you. We have talk. There aren't very many words that can be said when you have to work so hard to say them, so you have to make it short and to the point.

In the scramble to get to the stinking library the headache started. I ran around the house searching for books to return and yelped at Eraser Eater a few times to get his butt in gear. That boy really does it to me, I tell ya. Once in the car he says to me, "Mom, it makes me so sad when you yell at me!" I reply in broken utterances and whispers, "I can't yell at you if I wanted to." The drive there was ok. We were cruising right along like normal. We were almost at the parking lot of the library and it hit me. I am wearing my slippers. I panicked for a split moment and then I thought, hey, I'll be thirty this year and I shouldn't care if people see me out in my slippers. I seriously was going to do it and then I remembered my "out." I sent the Oldest to the trunk to get my sneakers and I took off my first slipper. I almost retched when I saw a smashed Craisin at the bottom of it. I don't like thinking about stuff like that.

The Oldest said that I was saved from eternal embarrassment or something like that because of the sneakers in the trunk. I swear man, always keep a spare. (Thanks, Ann) That is a lesson learned for you.

So, being mute is not so bad. I mean, it is kind of bad. Last night Dear Sir and I just stared at each other over dinner. I think he can not bear to hear me talk. He kept making weird eyes whenever I would say something. He kept saying stuff like, "Can't you take medicine for that?!"
"That's messed up. You need to see a doctor or something." "Just don't talk." "It has to be more than allergies." I had him order our food. You know, I can't talk. I wanted some dessert once I was done eating and I went up to the counter to order an ice cream cone and the lady had me repeat it again because she could not hear me. Then she gave me the wrong thing. I guess she still couldn't hear me. Dear Sir was not enjoying his satanic shake because I guess it was just too good for him. Man, it was good. We ended up switching desserts and I woke up this morning, got on the scale and almost screamed when I gained a pound. Except a scream could not, still, come from my lips.

All lessons in life can be learned from The Little Mermaid (as my daughter clearly points out), so when I must answer 'yes' or 'no', I should just "nod 'yes' and shake 'no.' Just like Ariel." I do find that when communicating with no words the person who understands and can translate is my daughter. Boys, men, and the like can not figure a darn thing out (no offense). The Oldest can't ever hear a word I say as it is. For example"

"Get in the car." I even point to the car.

"Get in the char? What's a char? What did you say, mom?"
I know you would think that the kid is pulling my leg, but trust me, he is not. He sincerely does not understand and then comes up with the most ridiculous translation all on his own. Imagine not having a voice as it is and then trying to translate the right thing to the kid when he gets it wrong. Again and again. Our math lesson lasted about an hour (that is very bad) and I was about to take the Expo pen and eat it, I was so stinking frustrated.

Thankfully the girl understands me because, gee whiz, I would just melt down. Eraser Eater looks at me in terror as I approach speaking like a Rachael Ray mutated freak job. Please don't cook for me.

Pray I retrieve my voice tomorrow so screaming and yelling can again commence.


Emily said...

I sure do hope you are feeling better soon!

Lisa said...

Um... I think you may need to go to the doctor. Saying a prayer that you feel better. SOON! *Hugga-Hugga*

Carolanne said...

I hope you retrieve your voice tomorrow so you can commence screaming and yelling again..... or will that make you lose it again?

Thanks for the tip about the runners. I always wondered what I should do with the old pair that I don't want to throw out!

Lynn said...

I hope you get your voice back soon! Maybe you should go ahead and go to the dr.
Good idea about keeping shoes in the car! And on that note, you would not believe the number of people who come into the store not only wearing slippers, they're still in their pj's!

Lisa said...

Are you contagious? When I can force it out, my voice sounds a bit like Minnie Mouse sucking helium! *Ugh*

The Woman said...

Easter blessings from a "new" old friend!

R said...


Lisa--you are probably right, but I think I am on the mend now and that is all a doctor would tell me! Although Dear Sir thinks I am stubborn.

Carolanne--Nope, no screaming. Now that the Man of the House is home I can't do much talking at all. He cuts me off and does not let me. It is all motivated by feeling so bad for me. He is really kind.

Glad you could make use of your runners!

Lynn--You are probably right but now I am just hacking up the stuff that is in the way of my voice. And I discovered that I should take sudafed even when the congestion is in the throat. I had no idea it would dry me up there too and help out a lot. Huh.

I believe people would do insane things like wearing pj's to the store. Crazy.

Lisa---Oh NO! You don't have it too now?!!!

The Woman--Did I know you in junior high or something? :)

Emma Sometimes said...

I still couldn't get past the picture of you choking yourself. Why are you doing that Joan?

(I'm back)

The Woman said...

Yes, I have it... BAD!

Not a word... Literally.

R said...

Emma--I'm trying to emphasize how mute I am. Nothing is coming out of my throat or my mouth; I feel choked. But I do look a little silly!

The Woman---I am so sorry. I have found that my "allergies" are not really allergies at all but a full blown sickness and Dear Sir is about to get it. I feel so rotten I could literally choke myself like on the picture above. I don't wish this on ANYONE.

You poor thing.

Anonymous said...

your kids called, and they are sending me a check if I can find a way to keep you from going back to the yelling thing.

I've done the slipper thing before, and so, there are shoes in my trunk also. and pants and underwear. yes, I pee my pants sometimes. once actually.

once is too much.

I think when you get better, you should record your voice, in numerous reponses that are typical for you, then next time, you can just use that recording to communicate, that or learn sign language, wait everyone would have to learn it...hm......maybe you should just pack up and leave, hire some person to take your place for awhile and go on a vacation to the ocean

shealyisnottheantichrist said...

I hope you are feeling better.
You are in great shape. Don't let a pound freak you out.
Once I was so upset with RT when he was younger that I said this,
"Stop talking with your mouth."
They all thought it was hysterical and still tease me about it. "What else would he talk with, Mom?"

Leslee said...

OMG!! Thank you! I needed a good laugh!!!

R said...

Beanie--not my check!!

Shealy--that is sort of funny.

Leslee---I am glad to make you laugh!