I Eat Meat

I'm trying to be good to my cheeks and refrain from my present destruction of them in the form of cannibalism (by chewing them up) but it is hard. I am trying to quit cold turkey and I am afraid I am so far gone that it has turned into some sort of disease. Like alcoholism is a disease. Like starving yourself by anorexia is a disease. Like anything that is really not a disease, is a disease.

I am cutting myself some slack though. For me, it is a minute by minute process. I chew, realize after five seconds my blunder, then I say to myself, "I am starting to stop NOW!" Believe me, my mouth is less chewed off and is healing sort of nicely (I have tons of scar tissue in there) rather than it being a bloody massacre, which it usually is. I know, it is sick. THAT is how I can fill my whole entire mouth full of blood, run at innocent people, and freak them all out when I part my lips. No, I am not a vampire. And I haven't done that in years.

On another note, school is looking less grim because there are only forty and maybe two days left---I can not wait for summer. Well, just some warmer weather. I want to grill, get up in the morning and sit at my patio table and feel the cool breeze rustle through my now brownish red hair, and drink a glass of wine out there in the evenings. I don't look forward to, however, sweating on my black leather interior and dealing with the Oldest and his flying insect fear. I am bracing myself for that malarkey. There are pros and cons to everything, I guess.

I think I might try to iron at some point today before the pile gets any larger. Last time I procrastinated the pile got so huge that it took Dear Sir and I a full week of ironing several hours a day (in shifts) to get it all done. My man would make me iron the sheets but I bar my teeth at him whenever the idea crosses his mind and he keeps his distance. He even says weakly, "...I suppose maybe when the kids are out of the house and we have time...." Nice save. I say, if the kids are out of the house and we have less mouths to feed---if ironing the sheets is a priority, it can be done by the cleaners. But you know what? I am being a total nimrod. What a luxury it is to have someone iron things for you when the rest of the country lives on a little square of land and children sort through garbage in Africa to get food? This is totally not funny, and I guess I better iron my own sheets if Dear Sir so wishes it. As you can see, my whole life is ridden by guilt.

Dear Sir says I thrive on feeling guilty. I will probably die from feeling guilty that I live.

So do any of you guys (besides Martha Stewart, who ALWAYS reads this blog) iron your sheets? And Martha, you don't have to pipe up with your answer, I already KNOW you iron yours. Or your little peon does for you.


shealyisnottheantichrist said...

I am not Martha or the peon, but I have never ironed sheets. That is not a confession of wrinkled sheets because "Ta-dah," percale sheets are permanent press. I have a hanging rack in my laundry room with hangers, and I hang up clothes as soon as I can when the dryer quits. This really cuts down on most ironing, except for touch up. I hope this helps somehow. I am behind on ironing too, but mostly because I only do it infrequently.

Lisa said...

Me? Iron sheets? *BWAHAHA*

Praying about your cheek chewing thingy. *Smile*

~Jennifer said...

I don't even iron my clothes. :-P

Anonymous said...

oops a daisies...i iron my sheets. i have flannel sheets, and they are all wrinkly when they come out of the dryer, and i don't do wrinkles. i only have one other type, and that is 500 count and those things REEK with wrinkles so must also be ironed. i'm a freak.

i've decided you should listen to an audio book on your ipod while ironing, to make it more pleasant

Lyssa said...

Why should I bother to iron my sheets when the only person to see them should technically be me? Now, being a messy college student, I don't make my bed...I keep the bottom sheet on, but don't have a cover sheet, and just fold all five of my blankets up and stick them on the end of my bed. Call me unsanitary...I use my bed as extra seats, a homework station, and the place to fold laundry, among many other uses.

If I have any article of clothing that has too many wrinkles, I just squirt it with water or wet it down lightly in the bathtub, then hang it dry. Usually helps.

graybandit said...

for the record, i don't iron anything. i have other ways of getting things to look good.

and i chew my cheeks too, nervous habit...how odd!

R said...

Shealy---I frequently think of your hanging rack (I think you have told me of it before) and I wonder how much easier it would be if I had one....:)

Lisa---You are like me...thanks for the prayers. I think they are working because I haven't attempted to chew this morning!

~Jennifer---that makes me feel better!

Susie---for some reason you ironing sheets makes sense. I don't know how, but it does. You are a dying breed, apparently.

Lyssa---I totally agree. I just think with Dear Sir, "It's just us? Who cares?"

Graybandit--You better get your butt in gear for ironing, because you are going to HAVE to do it in the military! Dear Sir had to and he was in the branch not so strict as your branch! Get that metal steaming!

We are both cannibals! Must run in the family....

Anonymous said...

Well, I actually kinda like wrinkles. Nothing gets ironed around my house unless it's an emergency...like a job interview or the President is coming for a visit. My question is, how do you neatly fold fitted sheets??? I just can't do it.

Leslee said...

One of my sets of sheets come out of the dryer wrinkly no matter how soon I get them out. I've thought about ironing them but haven't. My ironing board isn't that big and I don't have the patience because it's just me and Nickel seeing the sheets and he could care less if we had sheets on the bed!

Stop chewing your cheeks! Girl! That's gross. Stop doing it right now!

Anne said...

Okay, I don't like to iron and I avoid it at all costs. I mist my clothes with water and toss them in the dryer for a bit. When I DO iron, I iron before wearing. As for sheets, I have been known to iron the top part of the sheet a time or two - only when I've lost my mind though.

Anne said...

Oh, good luck with your non-cheek chewing. Is there a patch for that?

R said...

jrh--You crazy, man. Martha has a good instruction on how to fold fitted sheets in one of her many books. I know, it is hard. I can do it, but it is a pain in the butt. It would be much better if we could fold them on folding tables like she most likely has, but alas, we are the plebeians of society.

Leslee---I know, I am trying really hard not to chew. I have sheets that automatically wrinkle too.

Anne--I think you have lost your mind when you iron any part of a sheet.

I wish there was a patch for the cheek chewing, but sadly there is nothing for people like me. Cold turkey all the way.

Carolanne said...

Iron sheets?
My mum didn't even iron sheets and she ironed nearly everything! She didn't iron underwear either.
When my son was about 3, he saw an iron and asked what it was. I iron rarely and only iron that which is creased and not meant to be.
Back in the "olden days", they had to iron more because their materials were more natural and thus creased more easily than those we have now.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Anonymous said...

you know what really stinks? when you take all the time to iron the clean sheets, and put them on the bed, then in one fell swoop the idiot dog pee's on the bed, and all that work is back at square one. why, oh why do I have such dumb animals.

Emma Sometimes said...

I wash 2 to 3 sets of kids bedding every day. I couldn't imagine ironing them. In fact, I couldn't imagine anyone this side of 1955 ironing sheets.

I think Badoozer irons them to retain her Mother of the Month status.

Have I been enough of a wet blanket in your comment sections?

I have tried to quit biting my nails and someone just told me how she quit. Wear a rubber band around your wrist, when you find yourself chewing, then snap it on the inside of your wrist. You brain equates pain and your habit and you will subconsciously remember, and no longer do it. Wild, huh?

Emma Sometimes said...

ps. I ROCK folding fitted sheets.

R said...

Doozer--That is why I don't have animals! Ha ha! That would totally STINK!

Emma--I totally understand the ironing sheets thing. I think you are right about Badoozer. The freak. She is tough and she always has one up on me. GRRRR...

You are not a wet blanket in the comment sections---have you read any of my comments? I am such a dirge at times. It is a part of our charm..

I think your advice on the biting nails is excellent for me. I use my hand quite a bit with my cannibalism, so it may work. I have to really want to stop though, which I do, but when I am in the midst of some sort of peril or nervous situation my first instinct is to gnaw away. It will take pain-associated dog-like training to knock this fully out of me!

And you know what? I BET you rock at folding fitted sheets! I can tell! If you wash them as much as you say, you HAVE to!