I think I have no common sense. At least, I think that my brain takes a bit longer on average for a sensible thing to come to it. Not sure if the reason is because I ran too many miles, ate too much sugar, or didn't sleep enough. Who the heck knows.

The last time I had to deal with a big ol' bad boy coming from my daughter was this time. Bear with me please:

"Anyone who thinks that once your children get to a certain age you don't have to deal with secretions anymore, you are kidding yourself. It was only last night that I had the Girl go #2 and she called me up to wipe her rear like she always does. Since her bowel problems have been real true problems over the years, I feel chained to the sound of her voice when it says, "Mom! I went!" The size of that bad boy was unbelievable. How she produced such a mammoth piece of waste and did not split in half, I have no idea. She did not even cry, which is a miracle. She gave me a sour face instead.
"That pupper is not going to go down," I said in low tones. I imagined pumping that stupid porcelain bowl for at least a half hour. Maybe it would take all night. Even with the power plunger. That sucker would need the snake.

"It will clog?! What can you do?!"

I went downstairs and grabbed a spatula that I knew I would never use again. It was nice and firm and did the trick. I dipped the spatula in the toilet and sawed that thing in half.

"You had hamburgers!" I laughed.

Actually, that is scary, because does beef really break down? Let's just not talk about it...."

Dear reader, why, oh why, did I use a spatula? I have a wealth of plastic cutlery in a drawer. I mean, I have run out of spoons and the only thing I can find is a knife (contrary to that stupid "Ironic" song by Alanis---ha ha). I have a billion plastic knives clogging up my drawer. And the other day I opened it up and thought, "Huh." In fact, it took a friend to turn me on to the idea when recalling the story once to her. When I saw the plastic knives I thought, "that's a great idea. Gee whiz, what's wrong with me?"

So last night I tried it out. I only tried it out because I remembered. And I even brought a plastic baggy up with me too in order to seal up the fecal slicer. No more laboring over the toilet in endless frustration, sweating like a pig. I have a wealth of plastic knives!

I don't know how I have managed to live this life.


Anonymous said...

GROSS! Almost lost my lunch on that one.

Jennifer said...

Oh ew!

Reminds me of a spoof they did on a local radio station here called "Can't Flush this," done to the tune of "Can't Touche This." In the song they broke "it" up with a stick.

Carolanne said...

OK, I'm glad I wasn't eating this time.

I keep forgetting that the toilets in the US all come complete with a plunger. They must be plumbed diff to ours and I do remember when I was there, thinking how necessary the plunger was. Maybe its because the water is flushed in the opposite direction, I don't know. LOL

Ba Doozer said...

oh lordy...this is funnier and better than anything I have ever done, thought about or writen about....this was TOO MUCH....I want you to know you win the award for making me laugh out loud for the first time in DAYSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

shealyisnottheantichrist said...

This is a fascinating post.
My kids still laugh about your oldest calling out from the bathroom, "The Letter Z!"

Alisa said...

My toilet in my apartment will flush anything down, as long as there isn't too much toilet paper. I don't get it. I could flush Long Island and it would be fine as long as Long Island didn't have more than 7 squares of toilet paper in it.