I think I have no common sense. At least, I think that my brain takes a bit longer on average for a sensible thing to come to it. Not sure if the reason is because I ran too many miles, ate too much sugar, or didn't sleep enough. Who the heck knows.
The last time I had to deal with a big ol' bad boy coming from my daughter was this time. Bear with me please:
"Anyone who thinks that once your children get to a certain age you don't have to deal with secretions anymore, you are kidding yourself. It was only last night that I had the Girl go #2 and she called me up to wipe her rear like she always does. Since her bowel problems have been real true problems over the years, I feel chained to the sound of her voice when it says, "Mom! I went!" The size of that bad boy was unbelievable. How she produced such a mammoth piece of waste and did not split in half, I have no idea. She did not even cry, which is a miracle. She gave me a sour face instead.
"That pupper is not going to go down," I said in low tones. I imagined pumping that stupid porcelain bowl for at least a half hour. Maybe it would take all night. Even with the power plunger. That sucker would need the snake.
"It will clog?! What can you do?!"
I went downstairs and grabbed a spatula that I knew I would never use again. It was nice and firm and did the trick. I dipped the spatula in the toilet and sawed that thing in half.
"You had hamburgers!" I laughed.
Actually, that is scary, because does beef really break down? Let's just not talk about it...."
Dear reader, why, oh why, did I use a spatula? I have a wealth of plastic cutlery in a drawer. I mean, I have run out of spoons and the only thing I can find is a knife (contrary to that stupid "Ironic" song by Alanis---ha ha). I have a billion plastic knives clogging up my drawer. And the other day I opened it up and thought, "Huh." In fact, it took a friend to turn me on to the idea when recalling the story once to her. When I saw the plastic knives I thought, "that's a great idea. Gee whiz, what's wrong with me?"
So last night I tried it out. I only tried it out because I remembered. And I even brought a plastic baggy up with me too in order to seal up the fecal slicer. No more laboring over the toilet in endless frustration, sweating like a pig. I have a wealth of plastic knives!
I don't know how I have managed to live this life.