Hand Me a Primer

I did not blog yesterday because things that are in me usually are not witty or silly or funny, I am really a serious person and too deep for the peons of this earth.

Ha. Ha. In all honesty, the above statement is only half true and I am feeling somewhat empty of laughable incidents. Quite frankly, I read Emma's blog, thought I would get a 100% on her little spelling test, and was crushed when I got an 87%, therefore resulting in a recurring dream of trying to get to class in high school and lo, they shut the doors on me. I never realized that I spelled some words incorrectly, my only hope is maybe I really don't and it was an "off" day. Gee whiz, I am in for it now. I just sit here now waiting ever so humbly for my year of forty to approach because good grief, I won't CARE if I spell things wrong or not, look fat in my jeans, wear slippers to the library, you get me. Every one of my friends who are forty and above have this I am woman, hear me roar sort of state and I would like to tap into it.
Can you absolutely tell that nothing is going on? I sort of just let school out without totally finishing books (gasp---yes, that is HUGE for me). The kids have been doing the summer reading program and I figured if they do that (it is hours of reading a day) they are doing pretty darn well. I must sneak in some math from time to time though. Not that any of you give a rip about that anyway though. The Girl took the picture above and I was cracking up at her face. She said that she just "widered" up her eyes and it looked funny. I look like a woman that can't spell "necessary."

Eraser Eater is back to his old trick of whining again. Result: a mind that is lost.

The Girl is back to her old "wreck her room" ways. Result: a mind that is lost.

The Oldest is doing pretty well but mowed the lawn on Sunday all by himself! Result: a mind that is lost. I woke up from a nap on Sunday to hear the lawn mower going and looked out the window. The boy was pushing that thing like he knew all about it all and I almost cried. He has now mowed the lawn more than I ever have in my life. I have slaughtered small animals, but I have not mowed a lawn. I suppose that I will never have to as long as I have the boys around and Dear Sir. When the boys are gone and Dear Sir is old and unable to move and I am hand feeding him, I hope that I can hire the lawn boy down the street to do the honors. I imagine that Dear Sir will moan and groan through the window for the boy to make it look like a golf course.

"Mom, I'm really craving bread this morning. Do you have any of that chocolate bread left?" The Oldest pleads.

"No, I don't. I didn't like it anyway."

"I am really craving some bread," he sighs.

"Too bad. Make yourself some toast. When I was your age I was always making my own breakfast. Not that you have to, but I did."

"I make my own lunch ALL the time," he hollers, "somehow you always get busy then and I am so starving I have to make my own peanut butter crackers!"

"That is because I hate making lunch," I say.

"You do? Huh. Well, I can make my own lunch if that is what you want, but I ain't making lunch for anybody else. Their lives are up to you."

He is now making his own toast, complaining that we perhaps need to purchase a new toaster because it does not pop up toast quick enough. And don't you love his use of "ain't"? I should not have allowed him to read Huck Finn. Changed his life. In our kinda homeschool, we ain't got no fake learnin'. Just real kind and it shows.


Dapoppins said...

"In our kinda homeschool, we ain't got no fake learnin'. Just real kind and it shows" Well darn girl, you can teach my kids anytime. I should be doin sumptin today with dem but Is pooped.

You may not be old as the hills, but you are wise and witty in your own way. Embrace your inner zen-diva!

~Jennifer said...

Well, if you ever want to make Dear Sir the envy of his friends you should try mowing the lawn. It's so funny to hear my husband tell me about the awe in the voice of his coworkers when he mentions his wife mows. "Dude, you are soooo lucky!" '-)

KingJaymz said...

"Well, I can make my own lunch if that is what you want, but I ain't making lunch for anybody else. Their lives are up to you."

I freaking cracked up at that. I had coworkers wondering about me.

You, dear Sister, are hilarious, and have charming children.

Don't wait 'til forty to have a "hot mamma" tude. Life is too short. That probably sounds weird coming from a dude, but trust me.

Ba Doozie said...

But what if it is the other way around and Dear Sir is hand feeding you? I'm assuming you don't mow because of allergies. I enjoy mowing myself but then I don't suffer from allergies. I also got an 87% on the spelling test and was disgusted because it did not tell me which ones I missed. It is a conspiracy I think

shealyisnottheantichrist said...

I don't take spelling tests; I give spelling tests. Once you are over 40, you don't have to take them anymore. At different times in my life I have been banned from cutting the grass because they were afraid of what I might do. Once when we were caretakers, I almost blew up the mower. When the kids grow up, we want to buy a condo without any grass responsibilities whatsoever.

R said...

Dapoppins---That is a huge compliment that you would allow me to teach your kids anytime!

Jennifer---Dear Sir won't let me. He thinks that it is sad that ladies mow lawns.

KingJaymz--The kids are nuts. Thanks for enjoying them. I enjoy them from time to time. I don't feel hilarious, but if you laugh out loud at work, I am honored.

I will try to be in touch with my attitude side more often. :)

Ba Doozie---of course it is very possible for Dear Sir to hand feed me, but I always figure I have a few on him like #1 I consistently exercise. Not only do I consistently exercise, I have a good strong heart that does not have to work so hard to keep me breathing.
#2 I eat pretty well.
#3 I am a woman and women live longer.

The strikes against me are this:
#1 I chew my cheeks. Maybe it is cancerous
#2 I sit in the sun occasionally, maybe that is cancerous too.
#3 I typically come down with weird ailments.

But at least I won't have a heart attack. Unless I get lazy.

I would be a mess if I mowed though, you are right. I would be an allergic mess. Good thinking.

Shealy---You are right. You have got the "I am woman, hear me roar" attitude down pat, I think. I don't take them, I give them. Good grief, I would have saved myself a lot of mental anguish if I had thought like that immediately upon seeing the test. I would not have clicked on it, sending me down the spiral of misery. (Know I am joking heavily).

You are like me! Banned from mowing! I think Dear Sir thinks that I would ruin myself severely if I mowed the lawn. When I used to trim the hedge he would only allow me to manually trim it, not electrically. He thought that I would cut my arm off or something.

Good for you with the condo.

JRH said...

Funny, funny stuff! And hey, it's nice to see a smile on your face, serious person. I refused to take that spelling test. When yer over 50 you start to misspell words on purpus just to see if anyone is paying attention.

Ba Doozie said...

You know what is really frustrating is when a health conscious person like yourself puts forth effort to be healthy and you have ailments and the chain smoker of 50 years lives to be 99. Go figure

Pam in Colorado said...

I will be 43 this year and still can't find the right attitude about how I look... No swimsuits for this Mama and I finally wore a sleeve less top the other day for the first time in public. That flabby arm wave thing is not attractive, but I was bold. Got sunburned for the effort and now I am itching and peeling. I do like the less than totally white and glaring look though. Perhaps I'll be bold again this summer.

I can't believe people don't want to mow. I love to mow, instant gratification!! My son was whining the other day about having to mow. I told him I didn't hear him begging to clean toilets. He said he'd rather clean the bathroom than mow. Score!!! He now cleans the main bathroom and I get to mow. I am one happy lady.

The Woman said...


R said...

JRH---Thanks. I am quite serious. I have laugh lines and I don't smile enough to have them. You are silly.

Ba Doozie---Yep, makes me ill.

Pam---I wish we women could get over the whole self-conscious thing. It is so hard to shake it though. Good for you stepping out and wearing something you wouldn't normally wear! Good grief it is summer, just do it! I need to get in the sun more myself. It does help when you get a little sun. Everything suddenly looks better! :)
Yeah, Dear Sir loves to mow too. I probably would not mind it if Dear Sir would let me but that is his domain.

Good for you, the boy cleans toilets! That is certainly a score!!

Emma Sometimes said...

I think that over 40 will be interesting. The older women get the more I find they realize their value and be comfortable in their own skin. I have another 6 years to go but I can't wait to see what 40 brings.

You cook, you sing, you stay fit, you play guitar, you homeschool (applauding you now), you're a great mother and wife and too funny (I saw you posting as Dear Sir over on his blog comments...LOL! That was hilarious) AND you make very yummy soap!

As for spelling, I have a friend that is a brilliant writer, smart, funny and cannot spell worth beans. She's not a visual person, more touchy feeling (very female of her). My memory is more photographic than not....the things I remember in detail are not always a blessing. :)