It is December First. I know, I am going to whine. As most of you who are familiar with me know, I am afraid to turn thirty. I am not afraid of the number, as silly as that sounds. I am not afraid of entering true womanhood or any of those benefits of being thirty. Youth is not what I lament in a general sense. I lament the youth that was lost in failure to selfishly become what I always thought I would be (I confess): a singer with a recording contract. To me, turning thirty means I bury it forever. The good thing is that I look ahead to still being youthful enough to have quite a future before me, but not young enough to have the future I had in mind from the time I could open my mouth and sing the very songs I wrote in my brain. So there is some good to it all. Just because my music will most likely never be produced for the masses (how vain of me to think that I ought to be chosen by God to do such a thing?), does not mean that I don't have other things that I can do. There's always the bright side, right? I am a great cook (and I mean this as fact, not as a praise to myself) but I don't use my talent in that area much. I suppose my talent is wasted.

I very much feel that my musical talent is wasted on me. I made a mistake somewhere down the road and took the wrong turn or just didn't take a turn at all and went straight ahead. I do not regret being who I am; don't get me wrong. I just do think there is such a thing as squandering a gift God has given and realizing that is depressing. I don't know what I could have done. I wish I could literally take it from my body and pass it on to someone else younger than me who can make use of it. And I don't mean to say that I am all that and a bag of chips either. I really can't take ownership of what God has given. I see myself as His vessel, and it is like having a beautiful guitar given to you but your fingers are cut off and you haven't the faintest idea how to play the thing even if you had fingers.

I realize that what I fight against is God's will. He alone has reasons for the path that He has led me to. And what right have I to question it? There is no one to blame. Who am I to say to the Potter, "Why did you make me?" He just did.


shealyisnottheantichrist said...

There is a book you have to read that will help you think about the issues of using our gifts in a MUCH more satisfying way. It is The Hidden Art of Homemaking by Edith Schaeffer. You are not fighting God's will. You are right in the center of it, but you need to learn to enjoy it.

Todd said...

Don't give up on a dream just because you turn 30.

Check out the singer I linked to on my latest blog entry:



Emily said...

Rachel, please don't take this wrong, it is a serious question. In this day and age, why do you need a recording contract to put your music out there? Aren't there other ways? What is stopping you?

Emily said...

I also have to agree with the above poster. Please don't say it's over because you've turned 30. Hey, Deborah Harry just released another album and she's at least 70. :-) Some of my favorite artists are in their 40s or older!

Anonymous said...

If you are using your voice to praise God, then isn't that the purpose of His gift? :o)

30? I'm turning 42! ROFL

R said...

Shealy---I do enjoy it to some degree, I just hate the fact that I obtain so much and feel as if I am not using it. Dumb, I know. I will look into that book.


Emily---Easy to answer. I thought I would have a contract since I was young, so my idea of "making it" is sort of skewed. Another thing is money to go to a recording studio on my own dollar (which I don't have), a large gathering of musicians that I would need to help me for free, and time time time. A recording contract is way easier.

Lisa---Yes, I am using it nowhere right now. I mean, if I were leading worship somewhere or maybe even singing somewhere I would feel better. But I am not. In fact, even around the house I don't sing more than I sing. Tragic.

Avery Gray said...

God, you make 30 sound like one step away from the grave. Lighten up, my dear, and take advantage of what God has given you. Sing to your children if no one else. Write songs that having meaning to you. Let them be your legacy to the world. And for goodness sake, stop thinking of yourself as some shriveled up prune just because another year has passed. I'm going to slap you silly!

R said...

I think 30 is young, don't get me wrong. I think it is the perfect age. But to get a contract, no one wants anyone over 26. Period. I always said in my mind that once I get to thirty it is over for me. I am so dirgy I know.

I have a wrong view of things and I am prepared and willing to be corrected, by all means! I just have to get out of my funk! :) It is hard to get out of the mold of an endless fool....

Please slap me!!! LOL!!!