My Appearance

Whenever we first get home the neighbor girl is at our heels. The phone rings right away, the doorbell rings, the sliding glass door has a familiar knock bestowed on it. We are being watched.

Like I have said before, I enjoy my neighbor. She is a very kind and generous woman. She knows everything. She always has advice to give. And she always has a million stories to tell or opinions to relate. She remembers things. She notices things. I think I may have mentioned that she knows everything.

Whenever we run into each other (which is rare lately since she started this job that demands most of her time) she always has some sort of insult for me. I mean, I am not easily insulted at all, it just strikes me as funny that she is lucky that I moved in next door because your average lady would not find the humor in such silly comments! For example:

Last summer I went over to her house to bring something back to her. A plate, maybe. The light outside was just perfect enough for her to notice something on my face. A hair, I think. Without telling me, she picked at my cheek, mid conversation.
"Oh!" she laughed. "It is attached!" she exclaimed, meaning the abnormally long white hair hanging from my cheek. I told her to go ahead and get it if she wanted, I didn't care.

She works for a spa/salon type place where they do microderm abrasions (don't know how to spell that) and inject botox. She has stood there many times since telling me how things work, how she tediously has had to "zap" people's unwanted varicose veins, laser off unwanted hair, etc. Mid conversation she said to me, "You have these lines--" and she pointed to the lines around her mouth, as if to tell me for the first time I need help there.
"Yep," I said, not flinching.
"They could help with that," she dared to continue.
They are from smiling, I thought but said instead, "It's genetic."
She smiled at me like you poor thing, and continued whatever it was she was saying. Botox or something.

She continued at one time to talk about freckles and how she is so thankful that she got hers lasered off. "They would even take those freckles off your face!" she added. She proceeded to point at all the flaws and freckles, unwanted sort of moles on my skin and claimed that all those unwanted things would be taken off if I wanted. "I like my freckles," I said with a smile.
"That's nice," she would say sweetly and continue.

A couple of weeks ago she came to Dear Sir and I while we were doing the gardening. She wanted to borrow the WD-40. I was wearing my ultra cool red sunglasses at the time. I love those things. I gave her the liquid lubricant and put the glasses on my head as she started to talk to me in the shade of the trees. "By the way," she said, "are those sunglasses {the Girl's}?"
"What?" I asked.
"The sunglasses. Are they your daughter's?"
"Nope, they are mine," I said.
"Interesting," she said as she turned to walk off with my WD-40.
I gave a hearty laugh and then mulched the trees.

The slight little insults have become so frequent that Dear Sir tends to say whenever I come in from talking to her, "what'd she say this time?"We both have a laugh about it. Certainly it keeps me less vain!

Oh how about when she saw my hair for the first time when I got it colored my natural color. She said, "Oh, you went darker!" with a fake, kindly smile.
"Yep," I said, "I like it."
"That's nice," she said, meaning, she didn't like it. The look on her face certainly showed it!


~Jennifer said...

Oh my gosh! You are a better woman than I. I'm afraid I would likely become embroiled in a war of thinly veiled insults..."I wish I had been blessed with a nice healthy bottom like yours. Mine lacks extra padding and becomes sore when I sit on it too long. I suppose it keeps me on my toes. ha ha ha."

I love freckles!

Emma Sometimes said...

LOL! ~Jen....

You know it probably bugs the crap out of your neighbor that it's no big thing to you. That kind of picking makes my blood boil too. Although like Jennifer, I'd be smiling while asking, "Are you saying...[insert real point here]?"

Coincidentally, I've also learned the art of apology after hurt feelings. Darn that outspokeness. hehe.

The Woman said...

This post makes me glad I live in a holler... In Appalachia...

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

well you can certainly make it into blog fodder, have a weekly series entitled "neighbor nags" or something. She is either jealous of your natural beauty or she is just plain idiotic.

Whatever the case I think it would be funny if you suddenly became a dental consultant and asked her to open her yap, proceed to pick apart her teeth and always, ALWAYS tell her she has something in her grill even if she doesn't. Then she will go back home horrified and obsess on how long she must have been walking around with something stuck in her teeth.

OR, ok this is fun....while you are talking to her, reach up to your own face and pick at certain spots, check your nose, wipe area's and see if it makes her think she has something on HER face!!! just mess with her

Anonymous said...

Ha! That was hilarious!! You certainly have the right attitude about the whole thing. If you can see it as funny and not insulting you'll feel better about yourself and it will drive the other gal bananas. And she'll probably love you because you put up with all her crapola like nobody else would. You are truly cool.

RickCapezza said...

What an idiot.

Carolanne said...

Oh! You handle her so well - I'm not sure I would be as gracious.

As for freckles - what's wrong with freckles???!! It's taken me years to teach my son that our freckles look good on us. :)

shealyisnottheantichrist said...

I am guessing that she considers you a friend because you are too nice to be rude to her, and you would have to move to abandon her.
Invite her to church. She would fit in great with lots of church people I have met.