Wacked Out and Firm

When at the airport last week I brought along a nice biography. My aunt was in line behind me (she is very well read, being a playwright and all). I set my book down on the little podium and handed my e-ticket to the security lady. I walked on.

As I stood in line, my Aunt approached me saying, "I think you forgot something," and handed me my book. "I figured that if anyone was going to carry around a biography of Thomas Hardy, it would be you." She gave a little chuckle, "Now don't lose that."

She keeps calling me a writer. I had a good laugh whenever she would say that. She also kept saying that because we are writers that we feel things "more deeply than others." My aunt is the meaning of drama in the form of a person (and I suppose she would be, being a playwright). She told me it was nice to meet my friend Laura and I said to her, "She is a good friend, much like your friend Linda." Her eyes lit up. "You know, Linda who was on the Johnny Carson show with you."

She nodded agreement without missing a beat and said, "Yes, yes. We are very famous, very famous."

She carries a cane. She accused me of having my sights on it because it was from Mt. Vernon. She said that Mt. Vernon's gift shop is a place where you can not leave without buying half the store. You can go crazy and buy an Indian tepee kit, a Revolutionary War flute, George Washington dolls, muskets, tea sets, Civil War dice, peace pipes, Confederate hats, and of course, canes.

But on another note I am losing my mind. The boys are supposed to be practice testing and it is just not going the too wonderful. They can not shut their mouths and work. I keep yelling some and I wonder if the real cause of it is that I have a monstrous pile of ironing to do in my closet and it is intimidating. Since coming back I have been behind ridiculously with laundering. I finally finished washing all the clothes and putting them away, but the ironing keeps piling up. Dear Sir needs to stop wearing shirts.

So since Eraser Eater is crippled I am going to keep him out of gym today and just allow the Girl and The Oldest to traipse around and get red. He seems to be doing much better, but really it is folly to even think of allowing him to run around with other crazy kids. I remember when we were in the ER and the nurse put the brace on his neck he said, "Oh! Dis is nice! I don't have to hold my head up!" Ever since he has been milking the special treatment for all it is worth and talking like a baby on top of it. He even wet his undies this morning.

Anyone who thinks that once your children get to a certain age you don't have to deal with secretions anymore, you are kidding yourself. It was only last night that I had the Girl go #2 and she called me up to wipe her rear like she always does. Since her bowel problems have been real true problems over the years, I feel chained to the sound of her voice when it says, "Mom! I went!" The size of that bad boy was unbelievable. How she produced such a mammoth piece of waste and did not split in half, I have no idea. She did not even cry, which is a miracle. She gave me a sour face instead.
"That pupper is not going to go down," I said in low tones. I imagined pumping that stupid porcelain bowl for at least a half hour. Maybe it would take all night. Even with the power plunger. That sucker would need the snake.

"It will clog?! What can you do?!"

I went downstairs and grabbed a spatula that I knew I would never use again. It was nice and firm and did the trick. I dipped the spatula in the toilet and sawed that thing in half.

"You had hamburgers!" I laughed.

Actually, that is scary, because does beef really break down? Let's just not talk about it....


Emily said...

Only you, Rach. Only you.

Dapoppins said...

What a story that would have been to tell Johnny Carson.

The Woman said...

Um... BLECH!

(Can you tell I know EXACTLY what you are talking about? Never had to use a spatula though...)

R said...

Emily---only you would keep your eyes averted to the ground in a shopping mall trying to reach the bookstore! I had such a laugh over that, I think I cried.

Dapoppins---and that was quick witted like Johnny Carson! He would probably wince!

Woman--I am sorry you are familiar with what I am talking about. I am hoping for the rest of the world of mothers that they don't have vile things to encounter like me.

Yeah, a spatula can come in handy for just about anything...

Emma Sometimes said...

I've heard of heat resistant spatulas. I've heard of silicone, anti-stick, color coordinated. This is a new one. Do you think you should write them and recommend they amend their packaging and subsequent advertising angle.


Emma Sometimes said...

Great story by the way.

Anonymous said...

this has to be one of your all time weirdest and funniest posts. you made me laugh, which is hard to do these days.

Do they have George Washington action figures?

tell the girl to do a courtesy flush, or pinch it off halfway through to break it up. or you could blow it up with a stick of dynamite


Emily said...

I'm glad I made you laugh!

Also glad you're back home safe & sound...

Lyssa said...

That was the most amazing story about poo I think I have ever read. I laughed a lot : )

R said...

Emma---Thank you. Great advertising idea. We could patent it!

Dooz---I think they actually do have George action figures. Crazy, huh? The stuff those patriotic crazies think of.

All I can say about the Baby Ruth comment is that I deserve it. Equally as disturbing as the Storm Trooper...no, I take that back, probably equal to hacking a Mac, no, maybe equal to Lightning Bolt Jack! Ha ha! That was not disturbing but wrong. Baby Ruth. Wrong. But so so accurate!

Emily---Thank you. You do make me laugh.

Lyssa--You flatter me! I have many poop stories in my archives. You must "dig" for them!

KingJaymz said...

"He even wet his undies this morning." Time to get out the whoopin' stick. That's bad. But, some kids are prone to this. Oooh Oooh! Just tell him that as long as he acts that way, he will have to eat with his shirtless brother at every meal...sinister, no? Effective, yes?

R said...


That's a great idea!! Never thought of that one!

I will use that next time he lets out a whine.

KingJaymz said...

I feel evil and good all at the same time.

How weird is that? I have no children, yet I'm offering parenting advice.