You Are As Big As Me

I just have to do something about my lazy kids. I HAVE to. Not only do they argue all day when put together, they intentionally annoy one another. Yesterday at Co-op I was in the quiet church office making copies for my classes. Eraser-Eater comes storming into the quiet room, silently weeping. 

"The Girl told me that I am in love with Avery." 


He retreats to the corner of the little cramped room where he sticks his nose in the corner and weeps some more. A muffled "but I don't! And it's not funny! She's making fun of me!" comes out in a blurry wail. 

In comes the culprit. 

"What!?" she says with long eyes. 

"Get in my classroom RIGHT NOW!" I whisper.

Then the Girl wants to push the cart at Costco today and when I refuse to let her and the Oldest chides her about it, she whimpers, "I just don't feel a part of this family!" 

To make myself feel better I mentally grab an economy pack of duct tape, rip it open, and start taping. Hands bound together, feet---maybe just one big tape to the cart. But, the most important detail is the major slab of tape over the mouth. That is a MUST. Oh how stupid I was, I would think. I tried so hard to get them to talk and now all I want is for them to silence themselves. 

I clogged a toilet.  Forget that. They don't admit fault. More like: the toilet's clogged!
I'm really hungry. I know I just ate. I am starving!
You keep sitting in the middle seat! I want ROOM!

They even keep each other in line and then argue about that!
You are supposed to do the dishes! 
You ate all those chips! I thought you said yesterday you were going to watch what you ate!
Your room is a mess! 
Stop sitting in that bathroom forever and a day! You know you are going to clog it!
Quit banging the glasses!
You promised Mom you would time yourself when playing games! That's it...I'm setting the timer!
Mom said TWO HOURS of playing piano, you're playing it whether you like it or not!
Drink all your milk right now!
You are not getting dessert!

The list goes on and on. Then someone wails (usually the one being bossed around) and then I am the one, bound by the wrists, brought to the scene of the crime with my head all a muddle. 

It is the same song and dance every time and it doesn't stop. And it is all because they talk

On our way out of Costco this afternoon the kids and I battled our way to the car in the freezing air with frozen yogurts in our hands. I have Raynaud's disease, for those of you that don't know, and when I touch frozen stuff for too long or when I am just plain cold, my digits go numb and it can be painful and very uncomfortable. By the time we reached the car I was spent but I had to get those stupid purchases in the trunk. 

My twelve year old son, avoiding the whipping wind, stuck out his hand to jerk the door handle. 

"Can I get some help?!" I yelped, an icicle hanging from my nose as I was struggling to drop a big box of Costco junk in the trunk.

"Are you crazy? It's freezing outside!" And he opened the car door went inside. 

He of course, had the advantage as I did not want to leave the cart there (a big SUV was waiting for me to leave too) and get in the car and chew the boy out. I was so cold I was starting to burn but I knew I had to finish the whole job so I could get in the car and chase him down.

First, I got in the car and rubbed my hands together as I winced and almost cried, head down on the steering wheel for a few moments.

"I am starting to wish I helped you," he began.

I put on my gloves. (It would have helped if they had been on before, what a dork I am)

My beginning sentence started with, "You are as big as me...you are HUGE..........!!!!!"


bristowmom said...

Ooooooh, I just want to come over there and smack them all for you. Mine have been the same today so I am in the mood for a little revenge. I can't handle it from 2 - I don't know how you do it with 3. I just snapped at Ethan that he has been whining all day about everything (absolutely true) so he hung his head and whined his way upstairs to brush his teeth - after having been told about 15 times to do it. He gets more babyish and fearful by the day. AAAGH! (Currently HE is not brushing his teeth, his dad is doing it! "I can't brush my teeth" is one of the latest baby-ish refrains.) Well, I'm rambling. All this just to say I understand.

R said...

I am glad you understand! I would go nuts if other people did not have some sort of sympathy! :) You should have Ethan watch a Nova production called "The Unknown World" and it does talk about how bacteria form on your teeth, etc. It can be kind of gross in a way, but my kids immediately went up and brushed their teeth several times. Now they take it all much more seriously.

thislittlepiggy said...

Sweetums is bigger than me.

The neuropathy in my hands causes the same sensation as Raynaud's when they are cold. I FEEL your pain.

Word verification says "bless"... My the Lord bless you today and always. :o)

Mandi said...

Holy Crap. I repent my wish for mine to learn to talk.

My baby (just 1) grunts in an extremely loud voice when he wants something, or when he doesn't want something. He walks around like a little zombie with his arms stuck straight out in front of him going "uh! Uh! UH!" all freaking day.

So sorry about the Raynaud's. That sounds horrid. You should move to a warmer climate.

Mrs. Sinta said...

Probably you should write, "Home Schooled Kid," on the duct tape over the mouth to add visual interest, and ward off questions.

Jen - Queen of Poo said...

So your advice to new parents would be to not teach their kids to talk?

Sounds good.

I am almost sure my son has Raunaud's too. I've never taken him to the doctor for it. Should I? Is there anything they can do?

The Doozie said...

You should probably teach them sign language before you duct tape them.

Anne said...

Sounds like MY house! What's up with the bossy stuff?!

I'll I say anymore is "you're not the parent. I am! All you need to do is love eachother and OBEY!"

Aunt Jo said...

They don't understand that if they would let us be the parents their lives would be so much easier, and our ears would not suffer the constant torture. My eyes would not roll up in my head and I would not have bite marks on my tongue.

I will add here that CarlyJo cleaned up the kitchen last night. Up to my standards and not her usual, leaving food and dirty rags in the sink, food and debris all over the countertops. She REALLY cleaned. I tried to make a semi-big deal out of it and pray that she will do it again soon. What a big help! She did say when she was done that no one could touch the kitchen.....now she knows how UJ ad I feel when we clean!!

I had a friend that has Raynaud's. Her hands were always grayish.

Dapoppins said...

When my kids whine...yeah. Pass the duct tape...I tell myself that they are being conditioned for later in life.

I was trying to make them wash the dishes after dinner. They didn't even really complain...but you know what happened? I started doing it again...never stopped doing it, really, and keep forgetting to tell them to do it.