Isolating X

I think I have lost my ability to write at all. I took off about 8 months on this thing and left it for dead, but decided, why not? Who knows if I want to keep it up regular like I used to.

My brain is entertained elsewhere these days. Mainly it wants to stay indoors and never leave the house, but of course I find that I am taking a kid to soccer a few times a week, running errands, meeting friends for coffee, and teaching at the co-op.

I just survived a very terrible experience worship leading at a local church (I wasn't terrible, the people were a mixed bag). I spent a good year doing that but it was not wasted. In fact, I was still writing on here when I was leading. Well, that's over. The present worship team did not appreciate my efforts much because I was not rock n roll, so here I am. It took me a bit to be fine with it. It feels rather not good when people do not like or accept you. But when you are rock n roll, you are rock n roll.

I am in the throes of teaching my Oldest Algebra. When anyone asks me what I am doing these days, I just say, "Isolating X." They look at me puzzled but if the person is a wise homeschool mom she knows immediately what I mean and chuckles. This, I believe, is why my brain is fried. I literally broke down and cried last week when I couldn't figure out a problem (when I usually can). My son looked at me in horror as if to say, "what is this wetness falling from your cheeks onto my math book?" His lack of "Here, let me solve the problem, dear mother!" or "How can I make this better?!" made me so angry that I didn't know whether to ravenously eat the math book with my retainer on and upturn the coffee table when finished or just calmly sit there and cry a bit more. You know when you are so mad you just look around a bit saying in your head, "what can I do? What can I do?" seeking something to possibly destroy. It is desperation and I don't ever want to feel that again.

But we got through it, you know? And eventually I looked at the problem again and realized that I was looking at it wrong and solved it in a jiffy, which, turned out that the boy could solve it in a jiffy too and the world was right again. I didn't have to eat the math book, I didn't ruin my retainer, I didn't upturn the coffee table in my wrath.

But this has been a year. Next year will be my favorite, I am quite certain: the Oldest enters high school. I will be homeschooling ten years when this one is over and I am not sure I like it. Some of you Anons that hate me in the world like to come on here and comment on how ungrateful and melancholy I am. You are exactly the reason why I exist. While I jokingly complain, you are probably on your angel-bordered template blog talking about tea and pretty little laces and bears and whatnot. Let's not forget your house is full of knick knacks and your closet is full of Christmas sweaters. If only I had a thimble collection I would feel less melancholy. If only. Try isolating X for days on end with an Expo pen until your fingers bleed. So I am exaggerating. But you are not. You are over there with your pink sweat shirt sipping some earl grey as I type.


Lyssa said...

If it makes you feel any better, I sucked hardcore at algebra. I sucked so badly that my mom finally threw her hands up in the air and hired a tutor. And I still didn't get it. I squirmed my way through algebra one, didn't complete geometry, and got a few lessons into algebra two before quitting math completely, around fifteen or sixteen years old. All I did (math-wise) after that was review/study the basics in order to take the SAT.

If I had been forced to take a math class in college, I probably could have squeaked by, but I didn't. Somehow, with a music degree, I got away with not a single math class. Now I'm graduated, and the only math I have to worry about are monthly bills, keeping my private teaching tuition straight, and attempting to calculate fair tip amounts at restaurants.

It sucks doing algebra, but it doesn't last forever. I feel your pain.

Alisa said...

Keep pushing through! My mom didn't teach me any more math after 8th grade. I was able to test into an algebra class at a community college, and that class was the highest level math I ever had to take.

R said...

Wow, you both make me feel a bit better. I have a high standard with the Algebra stuff because I got high grades in it through Algebra 2 (including Geometry). I figure the Oldest could do what I did.

But he is not in high school yet, so I need to stop panicking.

Aunt Jo said...

I totally love you Rach! Melancholy and all.......you are awesome and I really want to meet you and share some air with you and yours. (but be warned....I am sunny. UJ is the melancholy in our house.)

R said...

Ah, Aunt Jo---but you do not have a thimble collection, I am certain!